Open Letter: I Want.

I typically don’t want things..

I want to travel; see the world, experience breath taking moments and take cool pictures. I want a new job; something where I actual use my very pricey degree(s). I want to dress in outrageous clothes; let go of the care that people will look at me funny, or me being ashamed of my slender frame. I want to take a picture I actually like; do you understand how many times I have to take a picture before I think its half-way decent?! That’s why I just make funny faces. Or sad ones. I’m good at sad ones these days. I want to go shopping; not having to decide if something I want is reasonable, or if I even have somewhere to go. I want to leave my house; I don’t do shit. Ever. If you get me out the house you can be 100% sure that I love you. I want a space heater for my room; sweltering in the summer and an ice-box in the winter. The rest of the house has heat and AC though… duhfuk! I want to listen to music that doesn’t make me want to cry; i-Tunes shuffle is hell bent on making me off myself. I want a new computer; I’m terribly sorry but my HP is about as useful as a solar-powered flashlight. I want to laugh; I’m usually on the giving end of that want.  I want to be happy; stop arguing with people I care about or being mean to people because my mood sucks, or accepting shitty moods from people because I don’t want to stir the pot. I want a new phone; doesn’t have to be an i-Phone, but my Lord this Blackberry has to go. I want to pick up a new hobby; it’s almost like I’m afraid to write anymore because people close to me are sensitive. I want to get rid of my Victoria Secret credit card; I’ve been condemned to it’s unholiness since Michigan State freshman year ’05. I want to rid myself of this smart mouth; sassy isn’t always cute and I tend to come off as a pretty insensitive bitch (maybe not the bitch part). I want to stop cursing; real women don’t swear (read: so much). I want to cut my hair; with this apple head and stupid tattoo on my neck (young and dumb), I just don’t have enough confidence. I want to move out my dads house; sure it’s a free HOUSE and he doesn’t live here, but it’s still not mine, I didn’t paint the walls and pick the furniture. Plus, I got reminded the other day that I’m not a bawse because it’s technically not mine. I want a better relationship with my dad; he went from my best friend to a complete douche bag over the years (no matter how hard I try, I can’t stay mad at him for anything though). I want a better relationship with God; I am admittedly what my grandma would call a heathen. I want people to stop saying I told you so; I’ve been a grown-up for more than a few years now and I’m well aware of the mistakes I make/made. I want to get better; I had a heart attack in August (yup and actual, 4 day ICU hospital visit, you may die, why are you 24 with a heart attack -heart attack) and truthfully I don’t feel better, but I don’t want to scare anyone around me – so I just sleep or stop talking so much (excessive talking makes my chest hurt). I want insurance; you have no idea how important that junk is until you don’t have it anymore. I thought I was saving money because I never got sick…and then I got sick. To my surprise, Emory University Hospital Cardiac ICU is expensive (that was me being sarcastic). I want to be honest; you have no idea what’s behind this smile.

I want to keep going but I’m depressing myself  lol